She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
