my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
