I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
