Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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