Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
