You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
