i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
