Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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