In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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