I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
