There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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