i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is my gift to your gina
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
