i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
