I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
nutella sex= disaster
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
