I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
