I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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