at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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