I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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