We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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