its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
