theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
