You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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