forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
