Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
