Just fell off a train. Bad.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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