nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
