I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
