i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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