Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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