'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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