Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
