i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
