Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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