I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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