What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
