i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
