Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
