Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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