I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
