I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
