Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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