Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
this hospital has no fireball
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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