We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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