Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
