No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
