That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
