i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
