Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
