Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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