she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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