dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
