What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
