During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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