Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.