My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks