he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
