it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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