I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
