If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
