While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
A bitchslap is in order.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
