im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
