david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
