her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
