I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
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Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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